Samurai Pizza Cats Band
by blind2d
Summary: Yep, the Pizza Cats form a band! It'll be great, I promise.


(Scene opens on overhead shot of the SPC HQ restaurant at night.)

Francine screams from inside.

"SPEEDYYYYY!!!" The roof shakes and rumbles.

(Interior shot of Speedy looking tiredly at Francine from across the counter)

"What?"

"You alley-cat! There are three orders backed up here and you're just sitting around licking your paws!"

"So? We just finished a fight with the Big Cheese, Francine. I should think we deserve a little break," he turns to Polly and Guido who stand at the counter of the empty shop beside Speedy. "Right guys?"

Guido nods, (Right!) Polly looks worried, and Francine turns red, smoke issues from her ears.

Cut to overhead shot.

"I DON'T CARE!!! GET TO WORK NOW!!!"

Scene changes to Seymour's palace.

"Oh Jerry, why can't I ever beat those darn pizza cats? They always seem to win, no matter what kind of crazy scheme I dish out."

Blushing at the sight of Seymour dressed as a female geisha (there's a male variety?), Jerry says, "But Cheesy, your plans are all wonderful. The only problem I can see is the fact that we try to bite off more than we can chew."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that no matter how big or powerful our robots are, they won't do any good if we don't have a specific target. We need to strategize more carefully and win on a different battlefield."

"I'm not sure I follow, but do go on."

"Well, it's like this…"

In the ceiling above the two bad guys eavesdrops a nosy Good Bird.

"Whoa," he thinks to himself. "I've gotta go warn the pizza cats!"

Good Bird and Speedy meet on the roof of the pizza parlor later that night.

"…So that's the Big Cheese's new plan."

"Hmmm…" thinks Speedy. "I wonder what the guys would think of this one…"

"All right, Birdy! Thanks for the info! See ya!"

Speedy darts away into the night, leaving Good Bird to ponder the problem alone.

Interior of parlor next day

"Huh? A band?" Polly says, taken aback.

Speedy nods smugly. "Yep, that's what Ba- uh, Good Bird said. The Big Cheese is putting together a rock group, and the best way to stop his scheme that I can figure out is to make a band of our own and beat his."

"Speedy, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. First of all, we don't know how to play any instruments!" said Guido.

"Mm, mm…" Polly waggled her flute in his face.

"Yeah, okay Polly, but that's not exactly a guitar. And secondly, why can't we just beat him up like we always do?"

"Because this would be much more fun! Besides, I've been practicing." Speedy whips out a white Flying V, and goes into a quick scale-come-solo. Polly claps as he bows.

"Great, but what about the rest of us?" Guido folds his arms across his chest.

"Well I was thinkin' that you could play-"

Just then Francine pops out of the kitchen and berates the three for slacking off.

"But Francine," protests Polly. "We don't have any customers right now."

"Oh, yes you do! Al Dente wants a carrot pizza delivered to the palace for Princess Vi right away! Who wants to volunteer?"

After waiting for a couple seconds while the three cats looked at the floor or away from Francine, she finally declared, "What the heck, all three of you just get out of here!" She pushed them into the kitchen and they willingly flung themselves into the ovens that were secret passages into the launch cannon at the top of the restaurant.

"Kaboom," Francine announced as she pulled the trigger that would fire the cannon.

It fired three times, and the cats sailed off toward the Royal Palace.

"Hmm, I wonder if I can still play that drum set upstairs," Francine mused.

Back at the palace, the pizza cats were crashing through the wall.

"Aaaaah!" was the collective outburst of mixed dismay and fear from the three.

They landed right at the foot of Princess Violet's study desk, as luck would have it.

"Oooh, goody! You've brought my pizza! Thank you sooo much!" she snatches the carrier from Speedy and begins to eat, seemingly unphased by the gaping hole the cats had made.

"Yeah, well… just happy to help…"Speedy rubs his bruised helmeted skull.

"Mit'sh delishus…" the princess remarks while stuffing the pizza into her rabbit mouth.

Just then Guido spots a flier on Princess Vi's desk. It reads: Royal Battle of the Bands. Winning performance receives a lifetime supply of that band's preferred food of choice, or a lump sum of money from the palace vault. Event scheduled for June 25th. Begins in the Palace Auditorium at 7 PM. No rehearsals required!

"Hey guys, look at this," Guido passes the pamphlet to Polly and Speedy.

"Wow, that's some prize!" declares an excited Polly Esther.

"Yeah," agrees Speedy. "Just think of all the tuna we could get…"

A picture of a giant open can of tuna appears in Speedy's thought-bubble and he pictures himself diving in while licking his lips in reality.

"Isn't it convenient how Speedy just happens to suggest starting a band on the day we find out about this competition?" Guido asks Polly.

"You know you're right, it's all rather suspicious… oh well, it sounds like fun, anyway. Hey Speedy, you think I can do the singing, like when I was a Pointless Sister?"

"Well, I suppose," Speedy strokes his chin. "But I think you should play an instrument too. You ever think about learning guitar?"

The princess jumps between Polly and Speedy.

"Hey, what am I? Chopped liver?" she demands angrily.

"Actually, we should be going now," observes Cerviche.

"Yep, we've just about overstayed our welcome here," points out Guido.

"No point in lollygagging," says Polly. "Hope it's okay to keep this flier."

And off the pizza cats run to their restaurant, with Princess Vi's wrathful shouts trailing after them.

"Took you long enough," Francine complained when the cats returned. "I'd begun to worry."

"Well you can dispel those fears as of this moment," bows Guido. "For we return safely and with our mission accomp-"

He stops speaking when he notices that Francine has placed a fairly complete drum set behind the counter, and herself behind it. She held drumsticks in her hands and smiled at the other cats.

"What do you think?" she asked Speedy. "Can I play drums?"

"Well, I don't know Francine… _can _you play drums?"

"Watch this!" Francine immediately snaps into a drum solo, vaguely reminiscent of Garth's in Wayne's World, but better. At the end of it all the pizza cats clap and cheer.

"Wow!" exclaims Speedy. "That was the best drumming I've ever seen! Please play in our band! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!"

"I'll think about it," Francine places the drumsticks gently on the snare. "In the meantime, I'd like you boys to help me put this back upstairs while Polly watches the store."

"You got it!" Guido and Speedy enthusiastically reply.

"Oh, hey, wait," Speedy stops. "Wouldn't it be better if we put it _down_stairs where the other instruments are?"

"What other instruments? I've only seen your guitar, Speedy." notes Guido.

"Oh, I've got more, believe me."

"Sounds fine to me," says Francine. "Just be careful with the cymbals and sometimes the kick on the bass gets loose, and…"

Her voice trails off as she follows the two tomcats down the hidden stairwell.

Polly turns to face the restaurant just in time to see a new customer walk in the door.

"Oh, welcome to Pizza Cats!" Polly smiled cheerfully. "May I take your order?"

Scene changes back to the Big Cheese's Palace wherein he and several Ninja Crows are practicing for Battle of the Bands.

"Stop stop stop!" cries Seymour. "You're playing way too fast! It's supposed to be a sweet ballad, like this: _Oh, Little Tokyo! Your lights are shining there! I see the silver moon! I comb my pretty hair !_"

As the Big Cheese sings, the Crows (including Jerry) cover their ears and wince in pain. Seymour stops and glares at them.

"What?" he asks. "Don't like my singing? Aaargh, you're beginning to make me angry!"

The Big Cheese starts to glow a bright crimson and little bolts of electricity start to fly from his face.

"Calm down, Cheesy," pleads Jerry Atric. "It's not you, it was… um… the plane! Yes, there was a plane that flew overhead, that's what made the sound!"

Seymour coughs out a small cloud of gray smoke. "Jerry, remind me why we're doing this without the Rude Noise again? They would make a much better back-up band for my serendipitous singing."

"Well Cheesy, you see, the Rude Noise is on tour right now and couldn't make it for the concert."

"Oh, well that's just a shame," acknowledges the rodent. "Now back into your positions, Crows! From the top!"

The next morning Francine goes around to all of the pizza cats' bedrooms to wake them up for an early morning practice.

"Wake up, sleepyheads!" she cheerfully raps on their doors to rouse them. "Time to make the most of the day!"

"Aww, Francine," Speedy griped, emerging from his room and rubbing his sleepy eyes. "It's five in the morning!"

"Which is why I need you up! Now help me wake Guido and Polly."

"Fine…" _knocking on door_ "Yo Guido! Open up! Francine says we gotta get up now!"

Door slams open, knocking Speedy off balance.

"What's all this, then?" demands Guido in a surprisingly accurate British accent.

"I don't know, Francine just wants us all up. See, she's over by Polly's room now." Speedy pointed.

And indeed, Francine stood poised to knock on Polly's door when a cry was heard from behind it. "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M UP ALREADY!!!"

The female cat emerged from her room dressed and wide-awake. "What is it, Francine?" she asked sweetly.

"Oh, well I thought we should take advantage of the morning by practicing for the concert."

"That's a wonderful idea! Next time it would be good to warn us first, though."

Francine giggled and beckoned the other cats down to the basement where all the musical instruments were kept. When they arrived, Polly was surprised at the large number of musical instruments/ equipment. There were several microphones on stands, three or four electric guitars, an acoustic guitar, two bass guitars, a couple electronic keyboards, and Francine's drum set.

"Whoa, I forgot how much stuff was down here," Guido commented.

"Speedy!" Polly exclaimed. "Is all of this yours?!"

The short male shrugged. "Yeah, I've been interested in music for a while now. In fact, those microphones are from the recording studio we went to that one time. And Lucille gave me that acoustic guitar from her yard sale last month. The rest I earned from my wages."

"And you didn't tell us about it before NOW?"

"Well, yeah… but aren't you glad we have it all, anyway?"

(collective murmurings)

"Oh, come on! It's me! As if Speedy Cerviche could do anything other than save the day!"

After smacking Speedy, Polly says, "Maybe you should be more concerned about saving your own-"

"Okay," Francine cuts in. "Let's get going!"

"But Francine," Guido puts a hand on her shoulder. "I can't play any of these instruments."

"Don't worry, buddy," Speedy pops over. "I'll teach you something easy… hmm, hows abouts the bass?"

"Sure it has fewer strings, but it still looks complicated."

"Aww, it's nothin'! Here, I'll show ya." Speedy picks up the bass and does a simple scale exercise at a moderate pace. Guido watches intently, then agrees to give it a try.

"That's the spirit!" Speedy remarks, then tosses him a Beginning Bass for Bums book. "That'll teach you the basics."

"Thanks, pal."

"Don't mention it."

Speedy looks over at the girls. Francine is teaching Polly about drumming, but the red-armored cat doesn't appear very interested. Speedy walks over.

"Hey Polly," he begins. "Want me to show you how to play guitar now?"

"Okay Speedy," she says. "But I was thinking… why don't we let Lucille into the band? I'm sure that both of the Pointless Sisters would bring more people than just one of them. And besides, I think I heard her say she could play the piano."

"I don't know… what do you think, Francine?"

"Huh?" Francine was daydreaming and didn't hear what the two were talking about. "What were you talking about?"

"Polly wanted to bring in Lucille so the Pointless Sisters could be part of the band." Speedy explained.

"Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"Why not, Francine?" Polly asked.

"Well… for starters, I thought the band was going to be just us, the pizza cats. And also, the Pointless Sisters are kind of their own thing, and I want this band to be brand new."

"I guess you're right, Fran," Polly consented. "But I did have a lot of fun with Lucille. Maybe… maybe I should just sing with her again, instead of learning some new instrument and playing in this band. I mean, I don't want you guys to feel like I don't like you or anything, but I would just feel better if-"

"It's all right, Polly," Francine puts a comforting hand on her shoulder. "We understand. You'll still be our friend, even if you're not in the band."

"Thanks, Francine," Polly notices the clock on the wall. "Guess I'd better go tell Lucille." She walks up the stairs. "Bye!"

The three wave, and then Speedy picks up his Flying V. "Well, are we gonna play or not?"

Lucille is sweeping her yard as Polly approaches at a brisk jog.

"Hey Lucille," she greets her.

"Oh, hello Polly," Lucille looks around. "Why are you here so early?"

"You know that music competition Princess Vi is holding? Well… I had a thought…"

"Oh Polly, are you saying we should have a comeback of the Pointless Sisters?"

Lucille squeals in glee and hops around joyfully. "Oh it'll be so much fun! And I still have our old outfits in my closet! This is wonderful!"

"Yeah," Polly says without enthusiasm. "It'll be a blast."

(In a far-off cave, somewhere… _else_)

"Aaaargh!" cries one of the members of the Rude Noise. "I can't take it anymore! We haven't had an offer to play _anywhere_ in _months_!"

"There, there," another of the band pats the complainer on the back. "It'll be all right. We just need to finagle a deal with a new producer."

"Forget that! What we need is some media coverage!"

"Or more merchandizing," intones a third.

"Whatever," says the first. "It's dark and cold and boring in this cave/lair place, and I want to play a _show_!"

"Hey, what's that, carried like a bird of hope upon the wind?" asks the second.

"I believe," the first smiles while reading the flier he had just caught. "It's our ticket to stardom!"

Sinister laughs echo from the cave as the Rude Noise prepare to make a startling comeback.

"One, two, three, four!" counts out Francine as she hits her drumsticks together in time to the beat. The Pizza Cats (band name pending) burst into a swinging rock song with slight tones of garage band simplicity. Speedy solos, Francine pummels, and Guido just tries to keep up while playing the five notes he knows. They play for almost twenty minutes straight until all three cats are lying on the floor exhausted.

"Speedy," gasps Guido. "We still need… to think… of a name."

"You're… right," Speedy agrees. "Fran… cine… do… you… have… any ideas?"

"How… about… 30 Minute… Guarantee? Or maybe… Kitty-cats… are free?"

Speedy and Guido make grumbling noises.

"Oh yeah? I'd like… to see… you… come up with… better… Speedy!"

"OK… what about… The Oven… Sliders?"

"That's… stupid," notes Guido. "We… should be… Burning… Petals."

"You're calling… _my_ idea… stupid? Guido… that sounds like… a cheap… romance novel!"

"Oh… yeah? Why… don't you… just shut your… big mouth… Cerviche?"

"Make me… mackerel… breath!"

The two tired felines slowly crawl toward each other and engage in slow-motion combat, both falling over after three blows respectively.

Francine shakes her head in exasperation and tries to think up more names.

"Now, now!" said the Big Cheese, "You crows can play better than that!" Mumbles of disagreement, "Sigh, what am I going to do with you!?"

"Don't worry, Cheesy," Jerry Atric consoled the rodent. "We still have plenty of time before the concert, and they really are showing improvement, you must admit."

"Oh, I suppose so, but any half-wit can bash a drum or pluck a banjo. I need my back-up group to be _PERFECT_, Jerry. And to be that we need to practice, practice, practice!"

"That's what I've been saying," Jerry said under his breath.

"What was that, Jer?"

"Uh, nothing Seymour! Nothing!" the old crow waved away his awkward comment. _Can't have him exploding now_, he thought to himself. _It might damage the expensive instruments._

Good Bird sat at home pondering the imponderable. His wife Carla watched him with obvious concern.

"Birdy, what's wrong?" she patted his shoulder.

"Oh, Carla, I'm worried about the pizza cats again. They always seem to triumph over Cheese's schemes, but I've got a bad feeling about this battle of the bands thing. I don't know," he turns to look out the window at a sunny morning. "It just seems like there's a dark cloud on the horizon."

"Oh Birdy, I don't know what to say… Here, let me go make you some tea before you start your deliveries."

"Wow, Francine," Speedy crawls up the side of the counter, exhausted from the day's work. "Between band practice and running the restaurant, I feel like I could just collapse any second!"

"You're telling me!" Guido pops up right next to Speedy. "If I move anymore, my legs will drop off!"

Francine starts to get mad at these complaining cats.

"Listen here, you ungrateful strays! If you two don't shape up, I won't play drums for your little band, which by the way I am starting to get a tad irritated with. Has anyone decided on what song we're going to play, even? I doubt it! And another thing…"

"Hello everyone!" Polly declared cheerfully as she entered the restaurant carrying an empty pizza box/container/thing. "My latest delivery is accomplished, and I'm ready for more!"

"Great Polly," Francine happily replied. "But we're closed now! Sorry!"

"Aw, that's okay. I'll just help clean up the tables then!"

As Polly got to work, Speedy and Guido watched her while seated at the counter. Francine on the other hand merely said 'Okay!' and left the three to work in the kitchen. Polly sang to herself contentedly as the two tomcats wondered why she would be acting this way.

"Hey Guido," Speedy asked his friend. "Do you think singing with Lucille has somehow given Polly some sort of extreme sense of purpose and spiritual fulfillment?"

"Naw," replied the blue cat. "I bet she's just trying to make us jealous of her good mood. She probably wants to join back up with us, having realized that her musical ideas just don't work with Lucille."

"Man Guido, you are one out-there guy, aren't ya?"

Guido shrugged. "I call 'em as I see 'em."

The day of the big Battle of the Bands finally arrived. Princess Vi was shouting at all her servants who were working to set up the stage on the palace lawn while Emperor Fred sat under an umbrella sipping lemonade. The stage was built to accommodate the bands with large speakers and amplifiers, and lights were constructed around the circumference. There were no chairs so that the audience could sit on the grass and stand during the performance. Peanuts, cotton candy, popcorn, and hot dogs would be sold by roving vendors. Ticket price would be &# dollars at the door. All in all, it was shaping up to be one heck of a shindig.

"I still don't see (*huff*) why _I _gotta carry (*puff*) _all_ the instruments, Francine," Speedy puffed and huffed while he and the rest of the band walked beside him toward the stage.

"It was _you_ who said you'd take us to the top, Speedy," Guido smirked. "Just be grateful you don't have to carry us like the instruments."

"Why I oughtta…"

"It's so beautiful!" Francine exclaimed. "I can't believe we're really going to play at the Royal Palace!"

"Big deal Francine, we deliver here every other week."

Out of range of Speedy's sarcastic remarks; Lucille and Polly were setting up their microphones on the stage. Unbeknownst to the girls, they were not scheduled as the first act.

"Says who?" Polly sticks her tongue out.

_Attention all performing acts_, a voice came out of the giant speakers on either side of the stage. _Please report to the waiting room behind the stage immediately. Also, it should be noted that eating onstage will not be tolerated. Thank you for your cooperation._

"Hey Francine, that sounded just like you," Guido turns to the restaurant owner.

"They must use the same kind of speakers as the ones at the restaurant."

Backstage, Seymour was having a meeting with Jerry and the crows in his band.

"Now listen you pint-sized pipers," the Big Cheese said irritably. "This show is my big debut as a diva, so you'd better not screw it up or there will be severe repercussions."

_Oh brother_, thought Jerry Atric. _As if they could have any worse treatment than listening to Seymour "sing"_.

As Seymour nagged the crows, a familiar pair of yellow eyes peered down on the room. Good Bird was up to his old tricks spying on the Big Cheese, but he really needn't have bothered. For once, Seymour had no plans for blowing up anything or unleashing a giant robot on the populace. Unfortunately, the Rude Noise would not be so complacent.

(_Shot pans to a poorly lit tree on the edge of the stadium. The members of The Rude Noise sit in it watching all the activity below._)

"All right men, everybody remember the plan?" whispers the leader.

"Yeah, yeah," replies one of the others. "We've been over it a hundred times."

"Well here it is again anyway: Step One, we enter ourselves into the competition."

"Check!"

"Step Two, we plant the explosives under the feet of the unsuspecting audience."

"Check!"

"Step Three, as soon as our set is over, we blow all those good-for-nothing fair-weather fans to smithereens!"

The Noise laughs evilly as much hustle/bustle takes place below.

Scene cuts to Princess Vi on stage under a spotlight in front of a microphone on a stand. She's dressed in her old Director's outfit from that one time she decided to make a monster movie.

"All right everyone! The time has almost come to see the Battle of the Bands!!!"

She pauses for the applause.

"That's enough! Now as I was saying, tonight's event involves a large array of varied musical acts from all over Little Tokyo. First up, please give a warm welcome to the grand return of The Pointless Sisters!"

The crowd cheers as Lucille and Polly walk onto the stage dressed in their cute performing attire. They take their positions behind the microphones, Lucille on the right and Polly on the left. The music for their song begins and Lucille takes the first verse:

"_Once....everyone thought that we were square, that we weren't going anywhere, but now we're here as you can see."_

Polly then takes the second verse. _"I've spent my days just making meals, fighting crime, and spinning wheels. But now I sing my song for you." _

Meanwhile Speedy and Guido are discussing the performance while seated in the front row of spectators (a luxury enjoyed by performing acts).

"I don't know, Guido," the shorter cat remarked. "Polly seems to be in high spirits to me."

"Yeah, I guess she just had pre-performance jitters."

Guido looks over at Francine, who is tearing up at the sight of the Pointless Sisters reunited once again.

"Hey Francine," Guido nudges her with his elbow. "You okay?"

She sniffs and nods, wiping the tears from her eyes.

The two singers join their voices for the last chorus.

"We're the Pointless Sisters now. So relax, don't have a cow. When we're through, just clap your hands. We'll take a bow....._We're Pointless Now!!" _

The audience's response is overwhelming. Cheering and applause is deafening to the two as they humbly bow to the standing spectators. Even Speedy and Guido find themselves rising to their feet and clapping along with the crowd. Just as Lucille and Polly leave the stage, Princess Vi's voice is heard over the loudspeaker.

"There will now be a brief intermission as we prepare the next act. Sit tight everyone!"

Five minutes later, Francine, Guido, and Speedy stood on stage behind the curtain. They had practiced this song for days, and now was there big moment! Guido turned to Francine anxiously.

"Francine," he began. "I'm a little… nervous… about this whole thing."

"Don't worry, Guido," she winked. "You only have to play two notes!"

Suddenly Vi's high-pitched voice was heard again from the speakers.

"Here's the second act, folks!" she shouted gleefully. "F. S. G.!!!"

The curtain slowly rose up as Speedy smiled wide and waved at the crowd. Francine cut in once the group was visible by counting off the beats that were the intro to the song in the style of The Ramones' famous "One, Two, Three, Four!" chant. Speedy almost missed this, being preoccupied with the attention of the crowd. Quickly he flew into his part, a 15-second guitar intro at blisteringly fast speed that was followed by Francine's singing, all the while backed up by Guido on groovy bass.

"When you're hungry and nothing's around, who do you need?/ The Pizza Cats!/ When life gets you down, and bad guys are there, what do you wear?/ The Pizza Cats!/ If illustrations, could be drawn to naked eyes, then won't the planet, have to sit back, sit BACK?!!"

The cats continued playing as The Rude Noise watched, still perched in that tree just inside the palace walls.

"Soon, soon boys, and this Little Tokyo will be ours for the taking! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!"


End file.
